Life is tough my darling, but so are you

Life is tough my darling, but so are you. Stephanie Bennett-Henry

You never know how tough and strong you can be until you have a sick child. You want to run and hide. You get angry. You scream. You cry. You feel helpless. You feel fear. You don’t understand all the big medical words.

Confusion sets in. You feel small, helpless, weak.

You fall to your knees. You look to the sky. You pray.

You find strength. You find hope. You find understanding. You find peace.

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She Made It – A Little Snippet on My Thoughts of Mallorie’s Last Chemo Shot

1510006_747034938705261_5810347543368150990_nI just saw Mallorie’s tweet……”19-hour countdown and then bye bye chemo.”

I have imagined in my head many times what this day would feel like. The day when we no longer have to plan our lives around cancer. And in less than twenty-four hours, Mallorie will receive her last shot of methotrexate.

Emotions are a bit overwhelming at this moment. I think back to the beginning. The beginning of Mal’s journey, our journey. It was so unexpected, this diagnosis the doctors called leukemia. At that time, leukemia seemed like a monster trying to steal from me, my little girl. Now, it’s all gone.

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Mallorie’s battle was one with many twist and turns. Rough, exhausting, painful, and unknown. She lost her hair, she lost weight, she lost strength, but she never lost her spirit. She had good days. She had bad days. She had days she wanted to give up. She had days she told me to not give up.

There were tears. There was laughter. There was anger. There were screams.

Watching Mallorie slowly start to wither away in the early stages of treatment is something I will never forget. Flesh on bones. Shunk in cheeks. Frail and weak. Makes me nauseated just thinking of it. Thankfully, we had a fantastic Oncologist and wonderful nurses.

Speaking of nurses, we were blessed by so many people, but the ones who kept us going were the nurses. They became immediate family. Seeing us at our worst. Giving the meds. Hearing the cries of pain. Lending an ear in the middle of the night. The nurses are heroes.

 

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Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months turned to years.

Mallorie got stronger. Her hair came back. (Curly and brown. Before cancer, it was straight and blonde.) She grew. Hospital stays decreased. Lengthly chemo stop. Port came out. Things were semi-normal.

Now, hours away from her getting to ring the bell. I am excited. She did it! We did it! By the grace of God and prayers. By wonders in medicine and skills of our doctors, Mallorie will be heading into her Freshman year cancer free. Mallorie Wall

Just Keep Swimming.

 

Down She Goes…..

What do yfallingou do when you find yourself slipping? Do you try to catch yourself? Do you blame the thing you slipped on? Do you reach out to grab something to stop the fall? Do you just expect the worse and hit the ground? No doubt about it, falling down is no fun and embarrassing. You could get hurt, you could hurt others? Did you know “slipping” is both a physical and spiritual thing? You can get tripped up and fall physically, but you can also get tripped up and fall spiritually.

As you know, the past year has been a crazy ride. And I am pretty sure the past year is taking a toll on me. I don’t like to admit defeat or show my weak side, but just keeping it real, I feel like I am slipping in both areas. I am physically and mentally drained most of the time. I haven’t opened my Bible in a couple of months. I have an negative attitude way too much. I find myself in dream land more than reality. This is a sucky, sucky place to be. But one thing I do know is I need to refocus myself and allow God to be in control again.

Just like when we physically fall, when I feel like I am slipping spiritually, I start to reach out and start grasping for anything to help the emptiness go away. Instead of hitting my knees and asking God for his hand, I turn away. And it seems the more I turn, the worse and more lost I feel. I have been here before, but it just seems like this time it is harder to find my way back. It is freaking me out.

So I am asking for a favor. If you are reading this and are a praying person, please pray for me. Pray for the fog to be lifted off me and I can find my way back to my killer-awesome self. I ask that you soften my heart for my family and to others. I want to bring God back as number one. Thank you.