It has been a long time since I have wrote about cancer. It has been nine months since Mallorie was done with treatment. With only having a monthly checkup on the calendar, one would think cancer would be pretty much a distant memory. At least that is what I was hoping.
The whole time Mallorie was going through treatment, all I could think about was reaching the end. Once she was done with treatment we could move on with life. I wish someone would have prepared me for what happens after treatment. Which to me, is turning out to be worse than the cancer itself.
Mallorie has been feeling unwell for many months. She has been having a hard time breathing. Most of the breathing episodes happen while at school or at night. And ever since she finished treatment, it is like she can’t sit still or be alone. Mallorie has always hated being by herself. Even as a little kid she was always at someone’s feet. She has been to the doctor many times over the past nine months for respiratory issues. Yet chest x-rays, oxygen monitoring, blood work and heart test all show she is in perfect health. So what the heck was wrong with her.
She kept telling me she was crazy. She would cry all the time for no reason. She worried about things she cannot control, like terrorism. What teenager really is so scared about terrorist they don’t want to go to the movies or church because they are afraid someone is going to blow or shoot the place up? She couldn’t shower alone most of the time. Then she had two fainting spells.
I finally took her to the ER this week because she briefly passed out. I wasn’t leaving the hospital until I had a solid answer to what was happening. I started thinking maybe it was due to the scar tissue on her lungs from chemo. All the same test were ran, EKG, x-ray, blood work, but everything came back excellent. Which under normal circumstances would make a mother relieved. Nope, not me. I was confused. I was sure the doctor thought I was one of those mom’s that want their child sick for attention. Her physical condition wasn’t adding up to her symptoms.
When it was time to be discharged, the doctor came in and dropped a bomb I wasn’t expecting. He said all the symptoms seem respiratory and I can see why you would think that. Actually I think we are dealing with anxiety. A light blub turned on. Everything started making sense. I wish I could say I was relieved.
Just like when she was diagnosed with cancer, I had know idea what to do or where to turn. Anxiety doesn’t seem like a bad thing. At some point everyone experiences some form in their life. It’s usually brief and disappears as quickly as it came on. For Mallorie it is consistent and always present. What a horrible way to feel.
I am no therapist (she is going to start seeing one) but I am going to bet, knowing her since birth, she has always had some form of anxiety and cancer just raised it to the surface. Cancer is such an ass. We were supposed to be done and moving on, but now we have to deal with the traumatic mental baggage that comes with cancer.
I started doing some research on anxiety and how to be a caregiver of someone with such an illness. What sucks is that everything I have been doing and saying to her thus far, is exactly what a caregiver should not be doing and saying. Talk about feeling like a jerk.
Today I am just tired. Tired of the worry. Tired of wondering what is going to happen next. Parenting is hard enough under normal circumstances. All I know is I want to be the safe place for Mallorie and learn to understand how to deal with this. I struggle with patience and I have to focus on being more in control of that virtue.
If you have some positive insight on anxiety I would love to hear it. I am not about to even pretend I know what to do.