Broken

I hate nights when I can’t fall asleep. I have been trying to turn my mind off, but it won’t. I have so many different emotions right now, that even if I did actually lay down, I wouldn’t be able to keep still. It really hit me hard to hear about the death of a young middle school student from our area. He had AML, acute myeloid leukemia, and is considered as the cancer of the myeloid line of the blood cells. ALL, what Mallorie has, is often characterized by the excess of lymphoblast in the white blood cells. Bascially, our body produces all different types of cells in the bone marrow and that is how the two are different.

This young boy was 12-years-old and seemed to be doing okay. I read that he was in the hospital doing some treatments and he had a stroke. By what I read, it was a total shock. Apparently the damage from the stroke was the cause of his passing. My heart breaks for this family. Even though we have never met, but was hoping to try to get our kids together, I just feel so broken. I have never lost a child, but somehow I can feel this mothers pain and sorrow. I could not imagine making the decision to turn off his ventilator, crawl next to him in his hospital bed and holding him until he took his last breath. And that is what this mom did.

There are so many things in this world we take for granted. I am so mad at myself because it had to take Mallorie becoming ill to truly appreciate and adore my children. It is easy to say you cherish your kids, but I don’t think you can completely understand the beauty within your child until you come face-to-face with something so evil. Not one person on this planet is immune from cancer. All cancer sucks, it doesn’t matter your age, race or background – CANCER SUCKS. It has taken away children, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, best friends, spouses, and co-workers. I pray every day for a cure. I pray for the parents who have to sit next to their child in a hospital room, wondering and waiting. Kids should be outside running and making messes, being loud and eating junk food. Not laying around, crying because they hurt everywhere. They should not be missing out on school and friends. Sometimes I get angry. I get mad because not only do I have to sit and watch my little girl go through so much, but my other kids have to deal with a mom who has a hard time focusing on anything else.

Many people have commented on social media or told me personally what an inspiration I have been to them through Mallorie’s illness. And moments, like I am having right now, sitting on my couch watching my son sleep, weeping, I just don’t feel like much of an inspiration. I really don’t feel much of anything. I just pray to make it through another day with my family as a complete unit. I pray I won’t have to go through what that mom, who lost her precious boy, is going through. I don’t ever want to have to make funeral arrangements and pick out a burial plot. I don’t ever what to enter my home knowing one of my children will never walk through the door. I don’t ever want to have to sit in my child’s bedroom, holding their favorite stuff animal in my arms, hoping to remember what it felt like to hold them. I never want to dream about what they would be like as an adult. I want them to have to bury me after many, many years of love and laughter. Lord willing, that is the way it is supposed to be.

As I close this entry, I pray for the ones who read this to understand how precious and dear life can be. Only God knows how much time we have left on this earth. And I know that when our earthly life is over and if we believe in Jesus Christ, we will live in the wonders of heaven with our heavenly father.  But I also know that the same God who gave us life created our feeling and emotions. And it just so happens that sadness and anger are the two I am feeling right now. My feelings are in no way directed at God, but as a parent I am sad for families that are struggling with a sick child, I am sad for Mallorie because she is miserable. I am sad for my other kids to have to see me upset and their sister sick. I am angry because I want a cure. I am angry because I honestly don’t want to deal with cancer. I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes when I hear and see all the children and families in situation similar to ours and in some cases, worse. I have often prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks his. I wonder if the brokenness I feel is similar to the sadness God feels?

I am sure most of this entry is contradicting. And even with my sadness and anger, my hope and faith is resting in the hands of Jesus. I know he has blessed us and will continue to bless us. I know he is strong and I am weak. And that is what gets me by. I also know that this time is only a season. It won’t last forever. And I still believe God is going to use Mallorie and this situation to bless others, just like the boy who passed away has blessed me. He touched my life and I never even met him.

If your child is healthy, praise God for that. Pay attention to the sound of their laughter and giggles. Don’t get too upset when you hear them running all over the house. Listen to their voices when they speak. Truly absorb their hugs and kisses. Let them cuddle with you, all the other crap can wait. Because I am telling you, once the giggling is silent and the running stops. You will want nothing more than to hear those sounds again.

May God be praised and glorified now and always. Much love to you all – Dee Dee

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5 thoughts on “Broken

  1. I always think about Mary a lady I work with and she had her adult child pass from breast cancer She still is very sensitive to the things that remind her of her daughter and although she is one of the most positive people I know there still are times when she goes back to the pain of it. You are not alone and many are praying for you. It’s ok to have the emotions and its good to be able to share your journey with others May Jesus be near and close each day!::)

  2. Dee Dee-
    You have been an inspiration to me so many times throughout this process. I actually do hug my kids longer and cherish their laughter and look at them eye to eye and have conversations about what’s up. You’ve shown an example of how we as busy moms unintentionally let other things get between our love and our kids. They need to see it, feel it and hear it every day. As you said- who cares if they run down the hall- enjoy it and love on them!

    I believe God put you all in this situation. God never has to say oops! You are ministering to your family, friends and countless other people as you care for and love your kids in this difficult situation.

  3. Dee Dee I rrad all ur blogs & post, honestly usually I sit here and cry while I do. My heart aches daily for you, Mallorie and you family.
    I just want you to know one simple truth. You & have Mallorie have touched my life so profoundly. You give me extra purpose to reach out to my girls daily. We have always been a close family although honestly I say “I love you” 4x’s as much. Do yhe little things more and appreciate every day to the fullest no matter what I may be struggling with. I love you brute honesty with every feeling. This is human and I love you for it. Know we are always here, we are always praying and thankful that you, Mallorie and your family is apart of our life. Keep touching other’s lives and sense of self, this may be your calling through the pain and struggles. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  4. My dear friend, your openness and honesty have already made a difference in my life. And I’m sure you are touching people you’ve never even met. Praying for you every day, Diane

  5. (((Dee Dee))) I do know what it is like to lose a precious child. It does hurt and you never “get over it” as many people say you will. You do get thru it and how well you do depends on your faith in God, the love of the rest of your family and your willingness to go on for them. You do honor to your little girl by loving her each day of her struggle. I pray you never lose her but know you can survive it and be happy again. Not in a day or a week but in Gods time you are able to smile at the thought of the lost one and rejoice you had the time you had. Prayers for you and your other family as much as for Mallorie’s healing. Shirley (Suzie’s second cousin.)

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