I hate nights when I can’t fall asleep. I have been trying to turn my mind off, but it won’t. I have so many different emotions right now, that even if I did actually lay down, I wouldn’t be able to keep still. It really hit me hard to hear about the death of a young middle school student from our area. He had AML, acute myeloid leukemia, and is considered as the cancer of the myeloid line of the blood cells. ALL, what Mallorie has, is often characterized by the excess of lymphoblast in the white blood cells. Bascially, our body produces all different types of cells in the bone marrow and that is how the two are different.
This young boy was 12-years-old and seemed to be doing okay. I read that he was in the hospital doing some treatments and he had a stroke. By what I read, it was a total shock. Apparently the damage from the stroke was the cause of his passing. My heart breaks for this family. Even though we have never met, but was hoping to try to get our kids together, I just feel so broken. I have never lost a child, but somehow I can feel this mothers pain and sorrow. I could not imagine making the decision to turn off his ventilator, crawl next to him in his hospital bed and holding him until he took his last breath. And that is what this mom did.
There are so many things in this world we take for granted. I am so mad at myself because it had to take Mallorie becoming ill to truly appreciate and adore my children. It is easy to say you cherish your kids, but I don’t think you can completely understand the beauty within your child until you come face-to-face with something so evil. Not one person on this planet is immune from cancer. All cancer sucks, it doesn’t matter your age, race or background – CANCER SUCKS. It has taken away children, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, best friends, spouses, and co-workers. I pray every day for a cure. I pray for the parents who have to sit next to their child in a hospital room, wondering and waiting. Kids should be outside running and making messes, being loud and eating junk food. Not laying around, crying because they hurt everywhere. They should not be missing out on school and friends. Sometimes I get angry. I get mad because not only do I have to sit and watch my little girl go through so much, but my other kids have to deal with a mom who has a hard time focusing on anything else.
Many people have commented on social media or told me personally what an inspiration I have been to them through Mallorie’s illness. And moments, like I am having right now, sitting on my couch watching my son sleep, weeping, I just don’t feel like much of an inspiration. I really don’t feel much of anything. I just pray to make it through another day with my family as a complete unit. I pray I won’t have to go through what that mom, who lost her precious boy, is going through. I don’t ever want to have to make funeral arrangements and pick out a burial plot. I don’t ever what to enter my home knowing one of my children will never walk through the door. I don’t ever want to have to sit in my child’s bedroom, holding their favorite stuff animal in my arms, hoping to remember what it felt like to hold them. I never want to dream about what they would be like as an adult. I want them to have to bury me after many, many years of love and laughter. Lord willing, that is the way it is supposed to be.
As I close this entry, I pray for the ones who read this to understand how precious and dear life can be. Only God knows how much time we have left on this earth. And I know that when our earthly life is over and if we believe in Jesus Christ, we will live in the wonders of heaven with our heavenly father. But I also know that the same God who gave us life created our feeling and emotions. And it just so happens that sadness and anger are the two I am feeling right now. My feelings are in no way directed at God, but as a parent I am sad for families that are struggling with a sick child, I am sad for Mallorie because she is miserable. I am sad for my other kids to have to see me upset and their sister sick. I am angry because I want a cure. I am angry because I honestly don’t want to deal with cancer. I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes when I hear and see all the children and families in situation similar to ours and in some cases, worse. I have often prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks his. I wonder if the brokenness I feel is similar to the sadness God feels?
I am sure most of this entry is contradicting. And even with my sadness and anger, my hope and faith is resting in the hands of Jesus. I know he has blessed us and will continue to bless us. I know he is strong and I am weak. And that is what gets me by. I also know that this time is only a season. It won’t last forever. And I still believe God is going to use Mallorie and this situation to bless others, just like the boy who passed away has blessed me. He touched my life and I never even met him.
If your child is healthy, praise God for that. Pay attention to the sound of their laughter and giggles. Don’t get too upset when you hear them running all over the house. Listen to their voices when they speak. Truly absorb their hugs and kisses. Let them cuddle with you, all the other crap can wait. Because I am telling you, once the giggling is silent and the running stops. You will want nothing more than to hear those sounds again.
May God be praised and glorified now and always. Much love to you all – Dee Dee