I am so over this cancer thing. I am so over our lives revolving around this hideous disease. I hate that my daughter struggles most days to function. She hasn’t slept in her room in weeks because she can barely make it down the stairs. And she is afraid to be by herself due to the pain getting more than she can bare. I hate that she has pain in her chest daily due to the port inserted under her skin. She longs to brush her hair that has fallen out. And I hate seeing her like that. She wants terribly to eat without sickness or throat pain. She now only drinks Pediasure. I hate that for her. She wanted to try out for cheerleader, but didn’t even have the energy today to walk to the bathroom. I hate what cancer has done to her.
And even though Mallorie is the one with leukemia, I hate what it has done to our whole family. Most of the time, when I am with my husband and children, I feel like I am not at 100 percent. I absolutely hate that I find myself worrying each time Mallorie doesn’t feel good. I hate that I feel like this dark, heavy cloud of awful just follows me around. I hate to commit or plan things because within hours things can change due to cancer.
I hate uncertainty. I hate the unknown. I hate cancer.