It is Sunday morning. Another day in the hospital. I really don’t know how to feel right now. The wind is forcefully whirling outside our room window. Mallorie sleeps.
I got to sleep at home last night. I slept well, but still feel exhausted. I was hoping when I got here this morning, Mallorie would be feeling better. She’s not. Actually, she’s worse. The infection she has is one of the worst side effects from chemo. She can’t eat and is in pain. The nurse and I were talking this morning about her state of health. During the conversation I realized that cancer is not just a disease of the body, but it is also a disease of the mind.
Mallorie has to want to get better. I can’t make her better, her dad can’t make her better. She has to want it, but right now she has no control of anything going on in her life. She can’t control the pain, she wants to eat, but it is too painful. And every single day she stays in that bed she loses 10 percent of her strength. It breaks my heart because she was the most outgoing, always on the go child.
Today we just rest. Even though she sleeps, I know she is thinking constantly how to beat this. It has to be on her time. I want her to fight now. I want her to suffer through the pain and eat. I want her to get up and walk. But I have no clue what she is going through. All I can do is be there and love her where she is, hold her when she cries and pray for her. Right now, this cancer may be in the lead, but it won’t be for long. When Mallorie makes the decision to fight, it will be with a vengeance. And as she rest, God is working in her. God has her wrapped up in His arms. I honestly think that this is the calm before the storm. Who knows what is going on between her and God while she sleeps. And when it is her time to fight, watch out because Mallorie ain’t no joke when she sets her mind to something.
This morning as I rest I the bed next to Mallorie, there is peace. The nurses aren’t coming in, the halls are quite and besides the howling wind and the sounds of her machines there is silence. It has been a time of reflection and understanding. It is not our job to understand why things happen. But it is our job to live by faith and trust God. The bible states many times to cast your worries, fears, troubles and doubts to the Lord. Even though I still get upset, I still cry, I still get angry and I still at times have self-pity, I believe with every once of my soul, God is in control. It is funny, over the summer our family went on vacation to see relatives in South Carolina. While I was there I got my first tattoo with my cousin. So on my left wrist, inked in red, it reads, “Be Still’. It comes from the bible verse, Psalms 46:10, Be still and know that I am God. I wanted something to remind me to stop trying to be in control of everything. I never knew back in the summer that this tattoo would carry a more significant meaning by winter. I have said it many times and I will say it a thousand more, God makes everything beautiful in His own time. I stand by this statement and I look forward to that moment when God says, Mallorie, it is time. I have given you all you need. It is time to fight.